Read the first part of this blog in the previous week’s post
Despite many painful residual memories that you may still have and the emotional and physical damage you may have experienced in your relationship, you must FORGIVE and MOVE ON. Don’t continue reviewing and reliving in your mind what your ex did to you, to your health, to your career or to your life in general.
Find the strength and willingness in your heart to rise above your anger or disappointment and to feel forgiveness and compassion. I know this is easier said than done, but it is the only way for you to move on, to live a healthy and happy life and to find and BE PRESENT to a new love.
There is an old Buddhist tale about a man who was very, very angry with someone. In fact, he was so angry that he was carrying a bunch of hot coals while he was trying to find his offender and harm him. Obviously, the outcome of this intentional action was that he burned himself so badly that he himself suffered for the rest of his life.
What he experienced was not only physical suffering; he was also tormented emotionally, mentally and spiritually. So don’t carry these hot coals throughout your life!
Here is one practical suggestion if you are still hesitant about letting go of your resentment or anger toward your ex: don’t do it for your ex – do it for your own sake or for the sake of your children. Don’t worry about the judgments or opinions of others – do it for you.
The Next Phase of Your Life Begins Now
You never know what your ex’s reaction might be after a separation; there is a wide range of possibilities. In the paragraphs below you’ll read some examples of divorce scenarios with suggestions about how to get through them. Compare these situations to your personal experience.
Scenario 1: There is an ongoing war, a battle over custody, finances or just residual anger.
Suggestion: don’t react and don’t take it personally; rise above the immediate instinct to fight back. Listen, remain calm and focused on your intention. Protect yourself.
Scenario 2: You are able to maintain civil communication that is especially important if you have children.
Suggestion: Have respect for the past that you shared together, recall the good memories you had. This will help you share some common obligations that you may still have with your ex.
Scenario 3: You have a good ‘after all’ relationship, still enjoy each other’s company but not as life partners.
Suggestion: Be candid and open – you may become business partners or even friends. Make sure that you are very clear about your feelings and intentions. Be honest; do not mislead your ex with double messages.
In my case, my ex-husband became my best friend, so it is possible! But it was not easy at first. Our friendship evolved over time. I was honest and clear with him about my intention to be platonic friends and to support each other no matter what.
Your situation will be unique and your solutions will be unique, based on your personality, your ex’s personality and your children. To avoid confusion, make some time to write or draw the picture of your experience as it stands, then write or draw the best possible solution. Use this work as your own guide.
