“Tomorrow is a new day. You shall begin it well and serenely and with too high a spirit to be cumbered with your old nonsense.” ~ Ralph Waldo Emerson
I don’t know the reasons you are separated or divorced – we all have unique circumstances that we have to deal with. However, I am confident that, regardless of whether your “break-up” was amicable or hostile, it was a very painful experience. And understandably so, because you devoted your best years to this relationship! Remember how vibrant and beautiful you were during the courtship?
You got into the relationship with the highest expectations of all – to live happily ever after, enjoy each other’s company as life partners, lovers, best friends, and confidants. Then “life happened”… Your passion faded. Being together became a boring routine or, at best, a partnership where the bedroom became a boardroom, and intimacy or “soul connection” got replaced by creative escape strategies – frequent parties, weekends with girlfriends, vacations alone, and office affairs.
You were willing to try anything and everything to numb yourself, to avoid the feelings of growing resentment, frustration, and disappointment. You knew that something needed to change and you tried to restore your broken relationship the best you could but it just didn’t work… When you thought about your children and other family members that needed stability, comfort, and a familiar routine at home, your heart was physically hurting… You may have asked yourself numerous times “Why is it happening to ME?”, “Why now?”, “Why am I so unlucky?”
I can totally relate to the entire spectrum of emotions that one feels when going through a marital break-up because I lived it myself. I’ve been married for over 20 years and divorce was one of the hardest experiences of my life. I REALLY wanted my marriage to work, especially because I had a young child. For a long time I was living in denial and felt confused, anxious, and afraid of change.
It took a while for me to recognize my fears and to finally find the courage to face the truth instead of avoiding my growing uneasiness and unhappiness. Yes, I finally dared to acknowledge how I really felt even though it was extremely hard to do… But more importantly, after a long inner struggle, I was able to ACCEPT my situation, with all its awkwardness, uncertainty, and financial consequences. I realized that by avoiding my reality, by living in denial for a long time, I was rejecting myself! I was not honoring my inner truth… Acceptance of my feelings was freeing me. Rejection of these feelings was freezing me…
I also realized that it was not helpful to be a victim and put blame on my ex-husband for ruining my “forever after” dream. My acceptance of reality implied acceptance of my responsibilities because “it takes two to tango”, right? When one partner in a relationship is not happy, it is almost certain that the other partner is not happy either. Being together and living together is a very delicate dance of “give and take”, compromising and holding your ground, yin and yang, feminine and masculine. It is a game that requires constant awareness of the way you communicate (or not!) your desires and expectations.
We all know that men and women communicate very differently. Women often expect men to “know” what we need or want, to “know” what turns us on, to “know” what we like to hear (or not!). I dare to say that women have higher expectations from relationships than men do. And, as often happens, when you have high expectations, you are bound to get disappointed! Most mothers love their children unconditionally, but loving your partner unconditionally is very rare. You may feel this boost of energy and unconditional love at the beginning of a love affair, but it does change with time, doesn’t it? It was certainly true in my case.
I am talking about the challenging aspects of relationships because Acknowledging Your Role and Responsibility in the relationship is a first step to Accepting Your Reality and Acceptance is a first step to Healing. I know that you want to have a healthy and happy life. But it is impossible to feel angry or hurt and be healthy, let alone happy. Carrying anger, hate, or resentment toward your ex is a very heavy burden to live with, regardless of who did what to whom and who is right.
Despite many painful “left-over” memories that you may still have and the emotional and physical damage you may have experienced in your relationship, you must FORGIVE and MOVE ON. Don’t continue reviewing and reliving in your mind what your ex did to you, to your health, to your career, or to your life in general. Find the strength and willingness in your heart to rise above your anger or disappointment and to feel Forgiveness and Compassion. I know it might be easier said than done, believe me, I know… But this is the only way for YOU to be able to move on, to live a healthy and happy life, to find and BE PRESENT to a new Love.
To Your Health, Wealth, and Happiness,
Millen is a Wealth architect and Financial Independence Coach, entrepreneur, and a bestselling author. Being a Possibilities’ Catalyst, she uses her intuition, business, and investment expertise to support entrepreneurial women (like you) who want to master their money, live their purpose achieve financial prosperity and freedom. With her physics and business education, corporate and entrepreneurial experience, money management know-how, mindfulness practices and transformational coaching skills, Millen has a unique ability to guide and support clients in achieving extraordinary success in their lives.